I find myself sitting in a hotel lobby in Charlotte, NC tonight. I seem to have entered the “empty nest” sooner and more permanently than I thought. I had wondered if we would ever really enter this phase of life with Jadyn’s health. I could have never been away even for a night without having serious anxiety about her health and well-being. But here I sit tagging along on Troy’s business trip. I would take being home with her over being able to travel with Troy any day, but God had other plans for us and her. By far, it is better for our angel (for to live is Christ but to die is gain). Philippians 1:21
It has been 5 very (short or long) weeks since her Homegoing, depending how you look at it. Luries Childrens bereavement program called me today, so i am thinking that 5 weeks must represent something significant in the grieving process? maybe that parents can finally function and somewhat think straight? It does seem that way. Troy and I have finally started functioning better and have become more productive! no-one tells you that you will become incapacitated and have brain fog far beyond menopause (which is my norm now). Remembering to brush your teeth can be a challenge.
I won’t go back into the last month or 2 and describe the indescribable right now…..I will just rewind to last night. Troy and I made our way to Joliet to hear Danny Gokey and Natalie Grant in concert. Two favorite christian artists of ours. Hoping and looking for God to minister to us thru music, we were overwhelmed with the way the Holy Spirit showed up to speak to us directly. It was literally like a little taste of Heaven as a gift just for us. “Tell your Heart to beat again” became an anthem for us last night (a song by Danny). We prayed Jadyn’s heart would beat again but God in His infinite wisdom and grace chose for her heart to beat in Eternity. So we are left here asking the Lord to keep our hearts beating (spiritually) and open to the Lords healing and work in our lives. That is exactly what we plan to do even thru the extreme pain and heartbreak.
I need to go back again and again to the fact that God is good and He loves us more than we can fathom. He loves Jadyn more than we ever could and has her in His loving arms. Last night was just another reminder to us (which we need regularly) that God is walking thru this darkness with us and “He is light, in Him is no darkness at all.” I John 1:5 . My favorite Bible verse of all time. We all fight darkness at times in our lives but God has overcome the darkness and is the Light of Life!!!!!