Author: Kristin Philipps

Troy and I were reminiscing last night about a Christian music cruise we were on 6 years ago with the kids.   The Newsboys (Christian band) were staying in the room next door.   The song “God’s Not Dead” had just come out and they had performed it that night for the first time.   Michael Tait(lead singer) was asking Troy and Jadyn what they thought of the song, not sure if people were going to like it or not.   Of course we all loved it, and the song got huge!   In fact Jadyn made a T-shirt with the words “My God’s not dead, He is surely alive. He conquered death” on the back.   She loved all of it!!!

Well we went to see the Newsboys concert last night, and listened with joy (and some sadness) as they sang that same song.   We were reminded again that God’s not dead and neither is Jadyn.   She is surely alive with Him in Heaven!

However, on our way to the concert we were both feeling some despair and doubt, arguing for the first time since we took Jadyn to the hospital.   Those of you who know us know we argue and spar a lot,  but we have been so kind and gentle with each other these last couple months.   It felt like the darkness was closing in on us.   But yet again God spoke to us through music, His word and His people, that there is Hope beyond our comprehension.

More recently this band has come out with a new song called “The cross has the final word”.    Some of the lyrics are…..

“Sorrow may come in the darkest night, But the cross has the final word”

“He traded death for eternal life and the cross has the final word”

As we trudge through this valley of grief we have to speak Gods promises to ourselves and each other all the time.   I’m sure this is the way we are all meant to live, but sometimes it takes the darkness to force our eyes upwards towards Heaven and the cross!

“Death is swallowed up in victory.  O death, where is your victory? O death, where is your sting?” I Cor. 15:45-55

 

I find myself sitting in a hotel lobby in Charlotte, NC tonight.  I seem to have entered the “empty nest” sooner and more permanently than I thought. I had wondered if we would ever really enter this phase of life with Jadyn’s health. I could have never been away even for a night without having serious anxiety about her health and well-being.  But here I sit tagging along on Troy’s business trip.   I would take being home with her over being able to travel with Troy any day, but God had other plans for us and her. By far, it is better for our angel (for to live is Christ but to die is gain).  Philippians 1:21

It has been 5 very (short or long) weeks since her Homegoing, depending how you look at it. Luries Childrens bereavement program called me today, so i am thinking that 5 weeks must represent something significant in the grieving process? maybe that parents can finally function and somewhat think straight? It does seem that way. Troy and I have finally started functioning better and have become more productive! no-one tells you that you will become incapacitated and have brain fog far beyond menopause (which is my norm now). Remembering to brush your teeth can be a challenge.

I won’t go back into the last month or 2 and describe the indescribable right now…..I will just rewind to last night. Troy and I made our way to Joliet to hear Danny Gokey and Natalie Grant in concert. Two favorite christian artists of ours. Hoping and looking for God to minister to us thru music, we were overwhelmed with the way the Holy Spirit showed up to speak to us directly. It was literally like a little taste of Heaven as a gift just for us. “Tell your Heart to beat again” became an anthem for us last night (a song by Danny). We prayed Jadyn’s heart would beat again but God in His infinite wisdom and grace chose for her heart to beat in Eternity. So we are left here asking the Lord to keep our hearts beating (spiritually) and open to the Lords healing and work in our lives. That is exactly what we plan to do even thru the extreme pain and heartbreak.

I need to go back again and again to the fact that God is good and He loves us more than we can fathom. He loves Jadyn more than we ever could and has her in His loving arms. Last night was just another reminder to us (which we need regularly) that God is walking thru this darkness with us and “He is light, in Him is no darkness at all.” I John 1:5 . My favorite Bible verse of all time. We all fight darkness at times in our lives but God has overcome the darkness and is the Light of Life!!!!!